The Misadventures of Eggbert
by NerdGirl95
Summary: Muggle!AU. When the Marauders are given a new Health assignment, Sirius believes it's going to be a breeze. But chaos ensues when he makes a serious mistake on the London Underground.


**A/N. Written for the Quidditch League round 3, Chaser 1: write a story inspired by a Tamagotchi. Optional prompts: 4. London Underground; 10. Wanted poster/s; 14. Family**

I dialed the number and prayed that someone would pick up. What we did wasn't _that_ bad! I was desperate for someone to answer; after all, I wasn't sure how far they'd take the whole 'one call' thing. Finally there was an answer.

"Prongs! Buddy!"

"Padfoot, what's up mate?"

"Are you busy? Like, right now?" I asked tentatively.

"Well, Lily and I have plans to -"

"Great!" I interrupt. "I need you to come down to Bishopsgate station and bail me out." I finish in my best 'I swear I'm innocent' voice.

"Bail you out?! What on earth did you do?"

"Hey, it's not all my fault," I try the whole 'innocent' thing again. "-Oh yeah, erm, can you bring enough money for two? Moony's here." I could feel the anger levels on the other side of the phone rising.

"You dragged Moony into this?" he paused, that dangerous parental pause he'd started to use. "Right -well tell him to hold on, we'll be down as soon as we can."

"We?" I asked, mentally hoping that 'mum' didn't know.

"You really think you could keep this from Lily?" his voice held a little amusement now, not that it made me feel any better.

"Oh s**t!"

* * *

Well, I suppose you're wondering how I got into this mess? It's not my fault, I swear; okay, so it's kind of my fault. Ok, so it's all my fault! But I swear to God, I didn't start it! See, it all started in Health class when Professor McGonagall announced our next assignment.

* * *

McGonagall surveyed our class with her trademark scrutinising gaze, as if daring us, to talk, move, or otherwise cause chaos in her classroom.

"This week you will be embarking on a new assignment: this assignment is designed to test not only your skills and knowledge, but also your maturity, planning and ability to work cooperatively with another person." she eyed her students as they gestured to their prefered partners. "I will decide who shall be paired with whom, and as a pair you will be the parents to one of these eggs. You will treat them as you would a real child, a baby - where you go, they go. If you cannot take them with you, you must arrange for an appropriate babysitter. I want you to document your experiences; the assignment will last an entire week. I want you to record everything, including any challenges or times where you fail to meet the requirements of the assignment. And remember that you must work together, as you would if you were parenting a child with your spouse or partner."

As she turned to retrieve something from her desk, the entire class had erupted into hushed, incredulous chatter. We had to parent an egg? How hard could that possibly be? They didn't eat, couldn't cry, and stayed where you put them.

I turned to my best friends, smirking; "This will be a piece of cake. I can feel my grades rising already."

"Do you reckon she'll let us pick partners?" James asked.

"Uh James, I think that's a no…" No one, I repeat, no one ever crossed McGonagall, especially when she turned on her famous 'stare-of-doom'.

"If you're all quite ready," her lips thinned as she eye'd me and my friends. "Now, I have assigned the partners for this assignment. I have taken into account friendships, relationships and feuds, however, you still may not get your first pick. Gentlemen, there are more of you than the ladies, so there will be some all-male pairs. I do not expect one of you to take the role of mother, however, you must still work together as 'co-parents' to your egg. Now, the pairs are as follows…"

Two by two, students were paired up, some with excitement and some with a measure of wariness. Each pair dutifully collected their egg, and seemed to simultaneously break into hurried discussions concerning names (because every good parent names their egg), temperaments and schedules.

"Alice Prewett and Frank Longbottom, Peter Pettigrew and Mary McDonald, Lily Evans and James Potter, and finally, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Class is dismissed, you may use the extra time to plan how this week will work for you. Remember, you, your partner and your egg are now a family. All decisions for the next week must be for the best of your entire family, particularly for your egg. Please feel free to discuss any more serious issues with myself, however, I expect you to do as much as you can as a family. I also expect your best work on this assignment. Good luck."

* * *

"So, who is Mum and who is Dad?" James chuckled.

"Honestly James, you heard McGonagall. They just have to be co-parents, not mother and one father." Lily reprimanded.

"Lily, we all know that Moony is the mother. He has more feminine instincts than I do. Plus I'm too dashingly handsome to be a mother." I smirked at her, waggling my eyebrows.

"He even has the right nickname for it. You can be the egg's 'Moomy'!" Peter added.

"Good one Wormtail! Moomy and Padfoot, the best egg parents the world has ever seen!" I laughed.

"Oi, if I get a terrible nickname, so do you," A wicked smile stretched across Remus' face. "How about Paddy?" Remus said with a maniacal twinkle in his eye.

"Brilliant Moomy! Now we just need names for our eggs. Lils, what do you think of Elvendork?" James asked, turning to his redheaded girlfriend.

"Not in a million years James. Besides, we haven't decided on the baby's gender." she retorted.

"Um Lily, it's an egg. Not a baby." James batted back.

"You heard McGonagall. The assignment is to treat the egg like a real baby: the best way to do that is to think of it as a baby. I'm with Lily." Remus agreed.

"Not you too Moomy! Well, our egg is definitely a boy. Look at him, much too macho to be a girl." I decide.

"Well then ours will be a girl. Maybe they could grow up and fall in love, and have lots of little marauder egg babies." James howled.

"That was not an image I needed in my head, thank you James." Lily sighed.

"You're welcome! What about Eggbert and Eggwina?" he smiled giddily.

"Those names are terrible." she grinned, clearly loving his antics.

"You just don't appreciate the comic genius of good pun. Can you really think of anything better? Thought not. Eggbert and Eggwina it is." he continued, not really giving her the time to respond.

* * *

For the first few days, the assignment went pretty smoothly. We were in class for half the day, and the other teachers were strangely tolerant of the eggs resting on every second desk. There were a few close calls, like the time Wormtail put his egg, (Mishell), on the chair next to him, and his partner Mary almost sat on it, but overall it was smooth sailing. Until we hit the weekend, that is.

"Moony, I'm telling you I can't have Eggbert over the weekend. I have plans!" I tell him adamantly.

"Sirius, all your plans for this weekend involve the rest of us. Eggwina and Mishell will be there. And I've already told you, I'll be there to help look after him. You just need to have him at your place tonight." Remus tried to cagole me.

"Moony, that's fair for the weekdays, but what if I want to go out on the town tonight?" I practically beg him.

"When do you ever go out on the town?" Okay, so he had me there.

"What if I wanted to try it out?" I demand, I have half a mind to go out on the town, just to make a point!

"Sirius, tonight is your turn with Eggbert! How do you think he would feel if he came home with me again tonight? He's all excited for some time with Paddy, and now you're just abandoning him!" Remus tried his best to guilt me, it wasn't working.

"It's an egg!" my protests getting more heated now.

"He's your child! Here, I have to go. Here's his backpack, everything you need is in there. I'll see you and Eggbert at James' place tomorrow afternoon." Remus stated finally, getting up and making his way to the door.

"Wait Moony! I didn't agree to this!" I called after him, not that it made a blind bit of difference.

* * *

For those playing at home, I did manage to resist the temptation to piss off Moony and 'go out on the town.' In fact, Eggbert and I had a lovely night in watching rom-coms and drinking tea. Although if you ever tell any of my friends that, I will deny it - strenuously.

The next day I packed up Eggbert's bag (how on earth did this bloody egg accumulate so much crap!), and headed across town towards James' house. Moony and I had planned to meet part way there, and for once I was actually on time.

"Moony! Ready to get the kids together and watch them play while bragging about how our house is so much better than everyone else's?" I joke.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Remus asked with a baffled laugh.

"Isn't that what parents do when they gather in groups?"

"No…" Remus chuckled.

"Huh. Must just be my parents then." I sighed with a smile.

"Sirius. Where is Egbert?" Remus asked, this face now very serious.

"What do you mean? He's right...here…" I stop when I realise, no, he's not right here!

"You left Egbert at home?" He was almost yelling now.

"No! I definitely had him on the train. I know, because the woman sitting across from me kept looking at me funny." I confessed knowing it would only piss him off more.

"So you left our child on a train!" he actually yelled now.

"I left an _egg_ on the train, yes." I confess, but if I'm honest, I felt like he really needed some perspective. It's not a child, it's an EGG!

"Not just any egg. It's our CHILD! How on earth are we going to explain this to the others? Not to mention McGonagall!"

"Relax Moony. There's a grocery store across the street, I'll just buy a new egg. No one will know the difference."

"You can't just replace our child with some store bought egg! What kind of savage are you?" Remus just kept getting angrier and angrier.

"Well, what do you suggest we do?" Since apparently all my suggestions are pants!

"We're going to find Eggbert." he ordered.

"We're going to find Eggbert."

"That's what I just said." Remus retorted, getting more and more irritated. Note to self, Paddy does not make a good spouse.

"Moony, he's an egg somewhere on the London Underground. He'll take forever to find, and when we do he'll probably be broken." I know it's not going to make him any more bearable, but I think he needs to be prepared for the worst.

"If he's broken, you'll wish you had never been born." his voice dangerously low.

"Woah woah, calm down. We'll find him." Now I'm placating him, maybe not such a bad spouse?

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go find a guard and tell them to start looking!" he demanded, just like the mother-hen he is.

* * *

Have you ever asked a station guard to tell train drivers to look out for an egg with a face drawn on it? If you want people to think you're sane, I wouldn't recommend it. I especially don't recommend asking every guard in almost every tube station.

Two hours later, and we're no closer to finding Eggbert. I was seriously considering sneaking off to buy a new one and drawing the face back on, but I knew Moony would probably see through that. And if there is anything worse than having a station guard look at you as if you're insane, it's having Remus Lupin seriously angry with you.

Three hours later, and I was seriously questioning Moony's sanity. I understood that it was a school assignment, I understand that he takes that _very_ seriously. But all this for an egg, seriously? And then everything changed, Remus Lupin is insane, pure and simple.

"Wanted posters?" I asked incredulously.

"Technically it's a missing persons poster." he replied as though it was perfectly normal to have a missing persons poster - for an egg.

"Moony, we can not put up a wanted poster for an egg! And where did you even get this photo?" I don't even understand him anymore, one of my best friends is now a literal stranger, that's how bad this is.

"We have to have photos of our child! What kind of brute are you? And how else do you expect we'll get him back, we need to alert the public?" he garbled desperately.

"Remus. It's. An. Egg. You might care about it. I might even care about it. But the public are not going to care." I try to be as clear as possible, not that it worked, he's too far gone now.

"You don't know that! Now get postering." He handed me a bunch of posters with a desperate expression on his face.

* * *

We were on the fifth station, six hours after Egbert's disappearance. And my patience was seriously wearing thin. I had so many other things I would have preferred to be doing - including watching paint dry.

Just as I was about to tell Remus that I just couldn't do it anymore, the day took a turn for the worse. I know what your thinking, how can it get worse? That's what I thought too.

"Excuse me gentlemen. Do you have a permit to put up those signs?" one of the transport officers asked.

"Sir, our son is missing. Surely you wouldn't be so heartless as to make us take the time out of our search to get a permit for his wanted posters?" Remus begged the man.

"Son, if your child is missing you need to contact the Police. They will be able to get him back to you in a jiffy." The officer stated sympathetically.

"Well you see, we didn't really want to bother the Police. You see he isn't strictly speaking a real person…" Remus explained, seemingly starting to understand just how ridiculous the situation was.

"Oh?" The guard's sympathy was gone now, replaced with confusion.

"Yes. You see, he's an egg." I add, just so he understands just how absolutely mental we are.

"You've lost an egg? On the London Underground?" he clarifies.

"Yes sir." Remus nodded.

"Why don't you just buy a new one?" The guard stated obviously.

"That's what I said! But Remus - here - he says you can't just buy a new child." I add desperately.

"Well, since you don't have a permit, and your child isn't actually a child, you will need to come in with me to the station. Your friend too." I couldn't really blame the officer to fair.

* * *

So as you can see, it really wasn't my fault! If Moony hadn't insisted on putting up those stupid wanted posters - or maybe just accepted defeat and let me buy a new egg, you know like a normal human being-

"Sorry, Sirius is unable to finish his story right now: he's about to get a thorough lesson in responsibility. Remus is busy grieving his son, the poor dear, and the officers are seriously considering sectioning him.

Now, I must go. I have Sirius to deal with, and my daughter to comfort. She did just lose her future husband after all!"


End file.
